He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
