How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize
