sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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