I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
