Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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