I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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