shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
