I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Randomize
