She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
