I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
