pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
