1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I have aggressive nipples.
I need water and some morals
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
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