i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I need to calm my uterus...
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
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