Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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