your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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