she looked like the bat from fern gully.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
