***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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