I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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