i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
