A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
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