Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
