my soul wont recognize me after tonight
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Randomize