I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Randomize
