final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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