The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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