my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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