I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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