He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
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