Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Randomize