There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
