I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
