The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
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