So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
