when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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