also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
