if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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