I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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