I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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