i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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