I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
