that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Randomize
