new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
