I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
