I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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