Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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