Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
