my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
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