I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
