So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I will be naked everywhere
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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