and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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