Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Randomize
