It's what's on the inside that counts(972): They probably have big open vaginas so the inside is no good
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
