oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
