Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
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