Redeem this text for a blowjob
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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