piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Randomize
