I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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