I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Let's get the cat blown out
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Randomize
