New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Randomize
