i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
