I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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