That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Sponge bath it is.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
