A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
